Cheese Please!!!

Alrighty, I have a couple of funny airport stories but this one probably takes the cake!

So I called up my missionary friends here in Ghana (from Texas) and asked if they would like for me to bring them anything that they could not get in Ghana...you know, something from HOME!

The request was tortillas and bulk cheese.

Well I went to Wal-Mart the day I flew out and got the "bulkiest" cheese I could find... 3 lbs of cheddar cheese...mmmm....

I did not consider the cheese an odd request as I had a cousin serving the US Goverment in Ireland and when visiting her there she requested tamales. We froze them in foil, wrapped them in a towel and placed them my carry-on. When we got to Ireland the next day they were still frozen...it worked great!

So I kept the cheese in the fridge, wrapped it in foil and place it in my carry-on. A good mental image would be probably just a little bigger than the normal Velveeta cheese box, wrapped in foil.

Checked my luggage. Went through the security. Actually did have to go through the TSA security thing this time. I didn't feel violated at all. They did find an elastic hair tie in my pocket but that was it...the major concern however was the item they noticed in my carry-on. I was instructed to stand with a BIG dude, all the while holding up the line of people and their carry-on items trying to get thro

ugh security. While the security guy was big, he seemed friendly enough so I nonchalantly (yeah right, more like hurriedly) informed him, "They're probably looking at the three pounds of cheese wrapped in foil." He laughed and said, "Are you serious?" Blushing at the sound of it and the fact that all these dignified, nice

looking travelers were still being held up, I responded, "Yes. It's for friends in Africa. They don't get cheese."

He laughed and I felt a bit relieved. He asked the guy manning the screen, "Hey, are you looking at three pounds of cheese wrapped in foil?" Guy responds laughing, "Yep, that's what it looks like!"

Whew! Relief swept over me that they found the situation humorous. Following protocol, my bag was handed off to a lady who was about five feet tall. She seemed nice enough until she began to speak. "Ma'am, I'm going to need you to step over here..." Now you need to know that she only moved about two feet from the scanner/x-ray thing; therefore the line waiting for their luggage continued to grow. "...and watch. I'm going to have to search through your bag because something suspiciou

s came up. Please do not touch your bag or place your hand anywhere near it."

"Yes ma'am."

She opened my super cram packed carry-on and began to move one piece of clothing/book/item at a time, never minding the big hunk of foil-wrapped cheese in the corner. So in effort to assist her and spare her so much effort I asked, "Would you like me to tell you what you're looking for?"

"No. You don't know what I'm looking for."

I mustered a quiet, "Okay" acknowledging my place.

I waited as she pilfere

d through my stuff, now that she had actually covered most of the three pounds of cheese with my junk.

Finally she said, "What do you think I'm looking for?"

Deciding it wasn't a trick question I responded by reaching my hand toward my bag just inches away from a visible foil (yes, by this time I was a bit flustered and forgot her directions. I think they do that for fun-- give instructions and harass people so they forget and then get in trouble again...) anyway after she instructed me to remove my hand I said, "Three pounds of cheese wrapped in foil." By this time she found it and I. tell. you. what!!! She flipped! Lost it! You'da thought I had a turkey in my bag!!

Okay, I realize what it looked like but honestly, I didn't think twice about what it would look like until I was already on the airport. Yeah, I thought people would think I was nuts but I NEVER thought it would look like a security risk.

When I say this lady flipped...well, let me give you an example of what it looked like...the 5' lady jerks the three pounds of cheese from my bag and holds it out in front of her away from her body and says, "Oh my God!" My thought? "Yeah, He knows its cheese!"

I asked her if she wanted me to remove the foil. By now the line is so long no one else can go through the scanner. I thought, "If they can just see that its cheese, everything'll be alright and we're good to go!"

Nope. I still wasn't allowed to touch it. She didn't even answer me, rather she lifted the cheese waving it above her head and said, "Do you know what this looks like?" I KNEW that was a trick question and didn't DARE answer it at this point! She continued to rant and rave asking how I could even think to do such a thing. I kept declaring that it was cheese, looking at her but positioning my body just so in effort to let all around me know that there was nothing to worry about. This lady went on and began talking to the gentleman behind me. She said, "Are you gonna ride with this? Huh?" (I bet he felt intimidated to. She definitely peer pressured him into answering her.) She asked him about five times. The conversation went like this...

Security Lady: Are you gonna ride with this?

Man shakes his head side to side.

Lady: You gonna get on this plane?

Man shakes his head side to side and halfway smiles.

Lady: YOU gonna get on this plane?

Man: No.

Lady: YOU gonna get on THIS plane?

Man: I'm NOT gettin' on THAT plane!

I was about ready to throw up a rock fist and shout AMEN! but instead I asked if I could put my shoes on. At least that would move one tub out of the way allowing people to retrieve their things. But the lady totally ignored my still waving the cheese around.

You know, if it was THAT big of a deal, why did she spend SO much time with the cheese? I kinda wished I'd had a catch phrase game in my other carry on that I could have started the timer...maybe that would have sped up the process...beep.......beep......beep...beep..beep.beep.bee.be.be.be.be. ...not a funny joke I know but now I can laugh.

Anyway, she wouldn't let me put my shoes on or retrieve my other items. I asked three times and after the third time I turned around and began to apolo

gize to those behind me. The man who didn't want to get on the plane with my cheese (bc the lady peer pressured him) gave me a sympathetic smile. As I apologized, the woman allowed me to get my stuff and she carried my bag over to a table. She set everything down and put on some rubber gloves. My thought, "Isn't it a bit late for that?" She called for supervision and the supervisor hollered back that she didn't need him. She swabbed the cheese, still wrapped in foil and apparently everything came back clean. My face was still flushed I was left to repack my things and manage to get my suitcase closed. She continually muttered, "Can't be doin' stuff like this. How are you gonna put something like this in your carry-on? Don't you know what this looks like?"

I told her the story about taking tamales to a cousin and she responded, "Yeah but tamales and cheese have two TOTALLY different consistencies." I was wishing I'd been born with or had cultivated a more scientific mindset. Who knew?!

By this time I really felt like this woman not only saw me as ignorant (which I was in this type of stuff) but also just straight up didn't like me. Is that girly or what?

Then I thought, "I have to go through this AGAIN in London!" Before she walked off I asked, "Ma'am? May I seek your counsel?"

This sassy lady turned into someone else.

"Yes" she calmly replied although she wouldn't look at me, which I didn't mind.

"What do I do when I go through the London airport? Should I take the foil off?"

"No, don't take the foil off. Just take it out of your bag and put it in a bin! And put it near the outside of your bag instead of where you put it so it can easily be found. Don't try to hide it in your bag."

Ignoring the implications of the last couple of sentences..."But they won't think anything when I set this in a bin?"

"No, just take it out of your bag and put it in a bin."

"Okay, thank you ma'am for your help."

"You're welcome."

I made it to my gate. Sat down and waited for the blood to leave my face and cool down. I realized I had been using Old Spice body spray instead of anti-perspirant just before I headed to the airport so I surely didn't need to sweat more than necessary, since my Dove was in my checked luggage! After I wasn't embarrassed anymore I went to the bathroom, took out the cheese and promptly disposed of the foil!!!!

By george if I was going to go through security in London I did not care if I looked a fool, I wanted everyone to know that it was in fact, three pounds of bonafide CHEESE in my bag!

And sure enough, every security agent saw the cheese and looked at the line of travelers obviously wondering who the cheese belonged to and why. I was relieved when it went through...but my other bag didn't clear...but that's a different story (and not as fun...ny.....)

Oh the adventures that the Lord has put before me! haha! The cheese reached Ghana! Mission accomplished!