He said I don't give a sh*t

Today I stood in front of a male who harassed me with questions and I let him hurt me.
He said I was lazy and implied I was fat. He told me I wasn't doing a good job and accused me of not giving a shit about the kids or the game.

The others don't bother me because I know he was just mad because his team was losing. The last one hit deep. I won't ever have my own kids. (Insert thoughtless but good-intentioned comments here "you don't know what God has for you; you might change your mind; blah blah blah) Point is, I won't have my own. I am in love with my nieces and nephews and they are my world. Don't tell my students at school but I care immensely for them too. Every athlete that has come through a program that I'm a part of.

If there's one thing I do- I care for people. Sometimes too much. That's part of why it was hard to let go of the scammer who scammed me. That's why it was hard to hear a coworker accuse me of trying to hurt athletes grade-wise (in the past).

I kept reminding myself I CHOSE to referee because of coaches like this- the ones who harass and insult me instead of coaching their kids. I chose to do this because I was too thin-skinned when certain parents (you know the type) got pushy because their kid didn't get what they wanted on the court.

And it has helped. I am constantly learning and grow stronger every time I ref. Today I grew in knowledge. I started to pay attention to the coaches on the sideline. So many of them begin the game acting like someone is out to get stuck it to them, namely the referees. It was hard to watch and I wonder the psychology of it all. But then I got to thinking about life. And given our experiences, many of us are immediately defensive and waiting to be hurt or taken advantage of. And it's so sad to me because this seems like it keeps us from intimate relationships we could have.

Still trying to shake that coaches words from my head, I was reminded the differences in the stereotypical male and female. Guys tend to keep things external, but a girl tends to internalize and feel a loss of self-worth for some reason.

So in the middle of this game I'm trying to combat his words. 1) I may not be skinny, but I'm not overly overweight and I AM doing my job and staying with play. 2) I certainly am not lazy or I wouldn't have put in TWELVE hours of reffing today. 3) I do give a shit. Even more than that. I give it all when I'm out there. I do struggle being  mentally tired at the end of the day but I still leave it all out there and act as if every game is a FIFA match.

I chose to do this and get out of my comfort zone, but that doesn't mean it doesn't really hurt sometimes. Many people think that I am tough and thick-skinned but I'm really not all that tough.

Doing new things is hard but to me the lessons are worth it. Okay, rant over.