So I don't think this is a good place to vent. But I woke up with this on my mind and as I'm sitting here trying to type up some emails for the Medical team going to Ghana this summer, it is all I can think about.
As I woke up this morning, the first thing I did as I lay awake was mentally list some the things I, as one "someBODY," can do:
- Use my hands to... clean and bandage wounds, hold a baby, prepare foods like palmnut soup and banku OR porkchops and potatoes, greet someone, communicate, comfort someone, carry items, congratulate someone, type posts, fold laundry, wash dishes, and more...
- Use my mouth to smile, instruct, encourage, admonish, eat, inform, ask questions. bust out laughing...
- Use my legs to run, walk, lift things, play sports, hold children, drive, compete in a foot-race, ride a bike, go visit someone, go to market, prepare banku...
- Use my entire body to venture out into something new/unknown, be it service, or entertainment, or work...
And my heart and mind burn within me now as I remember last night, leaving a high school basketball game, hearing a man loudly bellowing explicative words as I walked ahead of he and his son. I thought surely it was about something personal (as the man's son was injured.) Being dark and being alone, I continued the trek to my car. The man inquired about my profession and then I knew his words were about me and my heart sunk at the way that he saw me.
Then his son (a young teenager) asked the man if he was going to get my number. He continued to talk about my body, specifically this time, and whom I may or may not be involved with.
It was gross. It made me want to shower. But that isn't always how I've felt. There was a sizeable time period when an encounter like that made me feel worth something (as crazy as that sounds.) And for people who know some of what I've been through over the years, that's not a shocker.
I think most girls from a young age feel like life is about the fairytales you see in movies. But its not the movies' fault they think this way because it's within the girl that this dream stems. (And for good reason which I won't go into here but Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge is a good read to discover that.)
For me it was a combination of things. Making a wrong right. Fixing what was broken so long ago. "Getting over" junk.
But the fairytale story only weighed me down and the crude comments like yesterday's (which I naively took as compliments) only made things worse inside.
I listened to all the Christian songs about how "I'm God's beloved" and He really wants me and yada, yada, yada...which didn't really help either. It was kind of like covering a wound without cleaning it. The "wound" was not visible and appeared to be better but inside it festered and got worse.
Then the time came to deal with the junk. And God did it. He peeled off the covering. That hurt. Cleans out the junk. That hurts. And begins to grow new tissue while taking out anything that might be harmful to the new tissue. Also not pain-free.
Part of that process was giving me new eyes to see that for which He has me here. And over the years I have seen and experienced why I am here.
One of the most precious moments for me is when I can hold a sleeping baby. Last night I held my cousin's newborn girl and it is the most serene moment. Yesterday I substituted with some cRaZy kids and was able to teach, encourage, direct, redirect, redirect, redirect... In October I was able to run a looooonng race with my best girl friend ever, my sister. When I am in my second home, I get to carry children on my back and feel their hands tucked under my arms, signifying their satisfaction and security with where they are, and I love how they press their little cheeks to my cool back in efforts to relieve their faces from the collecting heat. I'm learning to use my mouth to speak less and my ears to hear more. Not easy. Soon I'll be using my body to haul hundreds of pounds of luggage through an airport to move to my second home where I will soak in the sun as I make my rounds greeting my friends and doing all sorts of things!
(As well as the desire to punch someone in the face on behalf of virtue and respect.)
At that is why last night was different for me. And that is why I could just cry right now.
God has taken a messed-up mindset, with messed-up desires and is cleaning it up. I see value and worth in what God has put in me and before me. I see victory in good choices and His grace in poor ones. Utilizing my talents, gifts and body in a God-centered way brings joy beyond what I could ever express...and I couldn't do it with out God's hand in my life.
At the beginning of this post I was upset with the dude and his words. But writing has made me more aware of myself and what God has done in me, and now I'm not so upset. I still don't appreciate his words and implications. I don't like knowing that his mind was on my body and hearing what he wanted from me, but I recognize that is part of the world in which we live. And I suppose as long as I know my purpose, I don't have to put much stock in what other people think and say.
For those ladies who wonder what they are worth or struggle with understanding what life is all about, let this be an encouragement. There is Hope! God changes hearts and minds and He starts with our own.
(Look at what God told His people back in the day: "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God. I will save you from all your uncleanness.)
For those who have been burned, be encouraged. There is Hope! And He can make all things right and will if we ask Him. Now, "Right" may not be what we expect but it will definitely be good because God is good and has a plan for you, a good one! He says so.
For those who somehow haven't struggled with this, praise God that He has covered you. He does that sometimes, not because we are worthy or because we did something better than someone else, but because it is a part of His design and He has plans to use you and your story.
And for any male who reads this...
I understand why guys think women are confusing and complex. I've always said they aren't but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong. At the moment I just have a couple of thoughts running through my mind...
1) The commandments given to us are:
Love God with all your heart, soul, and strength. And Love your neighbor as yourself.
2) The commandments are not:
Make women feel worthy and beautiful. It's your responsibility to figure out the heart of a woman and then tip-toe around it. Women are always right. Do your best to fix them or at least not upset them. (I apologize on behalf of women if you've felt that pressure.)
I'm probably not in a place to really give insight or counsel but I would encourage guys of faith to let go of what women say you should do and how you should be. Let go of what the world says you should do (for sure.) And simply love God like He tells us to and when you do this, you'll see your sisters as you should. And then, to love women (in general) as yourself - Not going overboard as if every woman is your potential wife and not swinging the other way as if every woman is the plague. (Oh and maybe don't yell out obscenities at a woman if you like the way she looks, actually, don't yell out anything, unless maybe she's your wife or something like that! :)
For all of us, the way we respond and communicate with people has an impact. But unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much black and white. Every friendship is different. Every relationship is different. Each passerby is different.
So for now, I'll work on loving my God with everything I've got and loving my neighbor the way He is teaching me to love myself...even if what he says makes me cringe.
Whew...I've got to get an email out to my team. Good debrief/learning session for me though.
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