I don't know why I'm back. I'm told (by others) that I made a mistake or that I am making a mistake. Still others say that I am now where I should be.
In a sentence, what I "planned" to do in Ghana didn't pan out, but God still did amazing things in sports ministry and in the lives of believers in Ghana; sometimes I was a leader and sometimes I was an observer and other times I was a participant.
But even knowing and thinking of all of the incredible things God did as He worked out His own plan, something in me (selfishness, pride) makes me want to turn into a copy of Jonah.
The message of plans for work in Ghana are digitally recorded in church service, they're written out here in the blogs, and they've been shared verbally in many cities, towns and villages on three continents.
The hardest part about booking my plane ticket was the fact that things didn't work out the way I expected. That's pride to the max isn't it?
I felt like God gave me all of these dreams and vision for Ghana and every. single. one. fell through.
In that respect, I felt like Jonah on the boat. Because every program I was working with was ceasing, failing or going downhill, surely it was me. I was the only common thread in the different ministry efforts throughout the country. I began to pull back some and just go with what was before me rather than force anything.
Then sickness came by way of parasites. Forcing me to be still. All I could do was think, and sometimes not even that!
As the next ministry plans fell through, I knew for certain that I would be going home although I was (and still am) unsure why things must play out this way.
I didn't have to fight at first. I recognized my place, humbled as I purchased my plane ticket. But somewhere in the last few days, something has built up in me and I feel like I'm fighting to not be a female version of Jonah, mad at God because he was sent by Him on a task to declare something which would never play out because of God's great grace.
I left on a task, leaving my supporters and friends and especially family with expectations. And carrying those same expectations with me on my shoulders. And by God's grace, as it is interwoven into every detail by His nature, those expectations didn't play out, but rather He provided relevant and applicable events and lessons that would speak better into the lives of those with whom we worked.
So why is it that my insides still feel like they are fighting? God's way was better for the people.
An online commentary on Jonah describes how I feel inside...(the weak and miserable part, not the want to die part.)
"Verse 8 Next day, when the sun grew hot, God also provided a hot east wind to blow upon Jonah’s head. Jonah felt so weak and miserable, he wanted to die. Jonah’s words were like Elijah’s words in the desert. Elijah, too, had run away. But he really wanted to do God’s work, and thought he had failed (see 1 Kings 19:4)."
Although I feel like I was forced to leave Ghana, in some ways, I feel like I've run away from the ministry or from the faith.
The last sentence- "But he really wanted to do God’s work, and thought he had failed (see 1 Kings 19:4)." - I feel like also speaks about how I feel. The verse referenced in 1 Kings is "while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”"
I have had enough Lord. Take my life. Do what you want. Anywhere. Africa. U.S. Sports. Teaching. Only, help me to see you and not me.
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