He said I don't give a sh*t

Today I stood in front of a male who harassed me with questions and I let him hurt me.
He said I was lazy and implied I was fat. He told me I wasn't doing a good job and accused me of not giving a shit about the kids or the game.

The others don't bother me because I know he was just mad because his team was losing. The last one hit deep. I won't ever have my own kids. (Insert thoughtless but good-intentioned comments here "you don't know what God has for you; you might change your mind; blah blah blah) Point is, I won't have my own. I am in love with my nieces and nephews and they are my world. Don't tell my students at school but I care immensely for them too. Every athlete that has come through a program that I'm a part of.

If there's one thing I do- I care for people. Sometimes too much. That's part of why it was hard to let go of the scammer who scammed me. That's why it was hard to hear a coworker accuse me of trying to hurt athletes grade-wise (in the past).

I kept reminding myself I CHOSE to referee because of coaches like this- the ones who harass and insult me instead of coaching their kids. I chose to do this because I was too thin-skinned when certain parents (you know the type) got pushy because their kid didn't get what they wanted on the court.

And it has helped. I am constantly learning and grow stronger every time I ref. Today I grew in knowledge. I started to pay attention to the coaches on the sideline. So many of them begin the game acting like someone is out to get stuck it to them, namely the referees. It was hard to watch and I wonder the psychology of it all. But then I got to thinking about life. And given our experiences, many of us are immediately defensive and waiting to be hurt or taken advantage of. And it's so sad to me because this seems like it keeps us from intimate relationships we could have.

Still trying to shake that coaches words from my head, I was reminded the differences in the stereotypical male and female. Guys tend to keep things external, but a girl tends to internalize and feel a loss of self-worth for some reason.

So in the middle of this game I'm trying to combat his words. 1) I may not be skinny, but I'm not overly overweight and I AM doing my job and staying with play. 2) I certainly am not lazy or I wouldn't have put in TWELVE hours of reffing today. 3) I do give a shit. Even more than that. I give it all when I'm out there. I do struggle being  mentally tired at the end of the day but I still leave it all out there and act as if every game is a FIFA match.

I chose to do this and get out of my comfort zone, but that doesn't mean it doesn't really hurt sometimes. Many people think that I am tough and thick-skinned but I'm really not all that tough.

Doing new things is hard but to me the lessons are worth it. Okay, rant over.

I've got your back; do you have mine?

What really matters?

See if you can determine the race of each woman in the following conversation:

(The conversation was two hours long; these are snippets of summary.) 

Which woman is black and which woman is white? 

You may have already known from the beginning but if not I'll hope you will stop and just take a guess before continuing to read. 

The cool part of this conversation between a friend and myself, which I didn't realize until an hour or so afterward, was that on which we were each focused. 

See my friend and I are not the same race but we are so very much the same. Except I'm definitely stronger than her and she's way cuter than me...just because of her glasses of course. But we both have big hearts, strong minds about us, deep convictions, a touch (okay a LOT) of sassiness, and the desire for ourselves and this world to be better. 

Our conversation reflected our many similarities but also highlighted our differences in experiencing life through the shade of our skin tone. 

The blue messages were my friend (left) and the gray messages were mine. 

What came out of our conversation blew me away. 

Interestingly enough, my heart was so heavy, that I could not just let it go that for ages so many African Americans had been done so wrong. I'm not trying to fix the past. It's done. However, I am angry with past pain made new again through present pain made light of and disregarded. "How dare we, as a nation?!" are my thoughts. "How dare we tromp on hurting hearts, hearts that WANT to move forward but have little upon which to look back and 'hope forward'?"

My friend, on the other hand, is ready for America to move past history and just be better. She doesn't want race to be the continual focus. And I see her perspective and respect it. I can agree with her. 

She also heard me as I spoke about history and agreed to the relevance. 

The point here is not "who is right"; it is the fact that we have each others' back. I want her to be okay because I love her and she's my friend. I want her to have every opportunity I have and to have it WITHOUT FEAR.  

She's not easily offended, I very well might have said some things the wrong way or slathered my speech with politically incorrect verbiage, but she knows my heart. And I know hers. She's not trying to get at anyone or seek retribution for past incidents personally or universally. She simply wants better and she wants ALL of us to be better. 

-----

Talking with her reminded me of an illustration that has changed my life:

I was given this illustration years ago that looked like so...

...with one exception- we were actual people and after standing in the circle, everyone took a giant step in, making it nearly impossible for anyone to get out! 

So here's the deal. This picture here...the one with the people holding each other's shoulders...that's one of our answers people. That's it. 

We have each others' back. I have my friend's and she has mine. And if I'm taking care of her, maybe people won't be hating on her for RIGHTFULLY speaking up against injustice. If she points out that all people's lives matter too, then both peoples are being addressed and I don't have to look like a neo nazi for mourning losses around me. Notice, we aren't protecting each others' skin color and nothing in the previous sentence was centered on race; we are looking after each other, protecting each others' hearts and looking after each others' loved ones. Period.

Look at it again...

Let's say you are the blue one at 6 o'clock (south). 

If you were looking straight ahead, from peripheral left to center to peripheral right, how many of those people in the circle might you be able to see? 

(MY guess would be all but my direct left and right.)

Okay, now you're still the blue one, but you turn around and are watching behind you to see that nothing is happening, and that your own back is covered; how many people might you be able to see from peripheral left to center to peripheral right AFTER turning 180* and facing the rear (with your back to the circle)?

MY guess would be one or two, if that. 

Why try to watch my own back when I can have multiple brothers and sisters looking after me? Thirteen people in this picture; that's 26 eyes watching my back for me as opposed to my two. 

 And I can look out for thirteen others rather than "numero uno".

People- friends, foes and loved ones alike- it is time to face forward, join shoulder to shoulder, take a giant step in, and watch each others' backs instead of only being concerned with our own OR with being right. 

Face forward

- let's move forward today, right now. 

Join shoulder to shoulder

-you might not like my flaws or other idiosyncrasies, but thank you for accepting me anyway. We can be our own person and still agree that every human life is sacred and that we care about each other. 

Take a giant step in

- at some point this WILL get harder if we are trying to do it together. If we are trying to change the world, inevitably we will stare opposition in the face. If we step in and let no one out, we do it in love. You tired? No problem. Relax. Because we are so tightly knit that you don't have to hold yourself up anymore. We got you. No one gets out. Rest. And then join us in strength again. ALSO, if we are tight knit, no haters get in. 

Watch each others' back 

-can you imagine the beauty of seeing one race taking care of another? A love running so deep for people that you would fight their battles for them? Can you imagine what that love feels like? To listen to someone support you and look after you when they could more easily berate you OR just keep after their own? Ultimate sacrifice is for one person to lay down their life for another, right? Wouldn't it count just the same for me to lay down my politics, my agenda, my biases and generational prejudices and my comfort for the good of another? 

I know. I may not be in as big a circle as I like, but as I thought about it today, my circle runs pretty wide, and it is definitely not just black and white. I've had the privilege to be amidst many different cultures and peoples both Stateside and abroad, and in EVERY SINGLE PEOPLE GROUP is an unmatched beauty. To look at one against another is to try to compare the beauty of a rose and a tulip. They aren't the same in their beauty, yet both cause people to stop and enjoy. 

A word of caution and grace: 

We can't hate because others don't "get it" yet. We can just continue to be a difference maker in our proximity, touching those within range. And when the time is right, they too will get it. 

(Shout out to Love What Matters for continually posting the good stuff!) 

Communication is key. And I, for one, am listening with an open and aching heart. 

Lean in y'all. Let's do this. 

A Prayer for Wisdom

Wisdom. I need it. 

You tell us in Your word “if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given him.” I lack it. Father, please grant it to me in the upcoming conversations. I am nothing but a menacing obstacle without You and Your wisdom. Please grant the wisdom that You have said You would give generously that I may point to Your Grace in the most perfect way.

You said when we ask, “believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord.” Please grant me strength to have the faith I need to receive the wisdom You will give.

It is so tempting to me to be the little ‘s’ savior- to be the one riding in on the white horse to save mankind- but this is not that to which You’ve called me, not in the least. My desire is to serve You and to share Your Word with others. Before me I see the choice to get in the way or to be an instrument for use. I prefer the latter. But I need wisdom, in Jesus' name, I need Your wisdom.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

I trust You. Thank you.

A mentor, a friend, a new friend, a Japanese brother and a biological brother walk into a person's heart…

A mentor, a friend, a new friend, a Japanese brother and a biological brother walk into a person's heart…

As was hoped for, the school year has been a phenomenal mess! I have enjoyed it and relished special, life-altering moments/lessons with "my kids" (students).

Because of this crazy, chaotic life, I. Am. Spent. Exhausted. Wiped out. Used up.

My first stop along the road to a fulfilling spring break would take me to my mentor (-whom I'll not name because I've not asked.) I was nervous about meeting with her because it had been some time, but for spiritual survival, I knew I needed to meet with her.

She, of course, met me with open arms. It was as if tears of joy coated my insides and melted all reservations that would have kept me from stopping by! Do you know what it is like to have someone love you in the name of Jesus?!? To care and look out for you? Unexplainable joy! We talked, she encouraged, she prayed and she prayed some more. El Roi unveiled my eyes, allowing me to see that which had been hidden. She has not just entered my life but my heart as she continues to give of herself and her time, year after year after year. God is good.

Rach is a dear friend who also represents a larger group of friends. We actually saw each other last week but now, seven hours north of our last meeting, decided it was important to meet again. A few years back, we struggled through life together for eight weeks. (Eight interesting weeks!) And there is something about just sitting down with people who know you well and can relate to the desire to serve the same One as you. We missed our compadres, but enjoyed our time together and plan to meet up more often in months coming. Something simple yet important. Rach's life and commitment has impacted my own life and commitment. She is a sister on a level beyond what blood can bear. I appreciate her and other sisters in Jesus (who are further away).

My new friend is an adventurous friend who would jump in ice cold water, sew dresses, paint a canvas and talk Jesus with me. I'm big on time, and she shared hers with me. She cannot know what sort of renewal that time brought to my spirit and heart.

Neither can the Japanese man who played the guitar, showcasing his talent for Jesus. Talk about an impression- I witnessed this on Tuesday; now it is Thursday evening and I still smile when I think of being able to worship with him!

The last great person to walk into my heart so far this week is my "little" brother Robert. He'll be down to visit in a couple of days, but I got one-on-one time with him in Dallas. He shared his space, time, energy, food and love with me. We talked about Jesus, nephews, culture, nephews, family, nephews, and work. God is doing incredible things in this guy and I cannot get over it. He is not the same person he was a year ago. My heart was overjoyed as he shared with me. I am on the verge of envious when it comes to the people he gets to know and serve, but I am so happy for him (and that I get to visit!)

I thought at the end of this break I would be worn out from traveling twelve and a half hours of highway miles through four different cities, but I am more full of Life than I have been since August!

To the dear ones in my life that I have seen this week and to those that I haven't…I love you! God bless you and may we see each other again soon!

(PS If you are interested in purchasing a painting similar to the one above, let me know. The artist may be able to create and sell in order to raise funds for a mission trip.)

Grace

It catches you off guard.
Yet its work is like the perpetual moving of the water in a lake.
As the wind causes movement,
stagnation is not permitted,
moving enough to awaken the soul
but not enough for destruction.

Grace is the part that reaches down
when we've place ourselves in an arduous situation.
We cry out in distress
expecting the worst
but Grace offers a hand in love.
Sometimes the hand moves with us,
sometimes it removes us.
Always it is for us.

Grace is unpredictable.
Most recently, He has permitted the struggle.
Rather than remove me,
He let me walk my way.
He let me suffer on my own account.
And He was already waiting when I decided to turn back.
Grace never ceases.

In any case, Grace is a cause for celebration,
for giving thanks,
for shouting from the rooftops,
for true joy!
Grace is foreign, but it is forever here with us.
Grace is difficult, but we are prompted to follow suit, and share.

Grace is found in forgiveness.
He is found in Truth.
Grace is found in patience.
Grace brings about humility and hope.
Grace is love.

Only Boring People Lead Boring Lives!!

I arrived in Dallas and met many of my brothers' friends here on campus. A few hours after meeting them, one friend agreed it was important to do something to keep life interesting!

Temperature in Dallas, TX= around 40*!

An Ode to my Students

Dear Titans, 

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and for 2013, you have stolen second place on my list of thanks. (First place always goes to God's faithfulness toward me, a gal who doesn't deserve it!)

I am thankful for you because you are you. You are all different, with different backgrounds, personalities, interests, families, dreams and motivation; it's perfect!

This year I am most thankful for you because you have shown character beyond any other group I have taught or coached! Friday I spoke with my substitute and he gave you all the highest praise, saying that you were some of the best students with which he has been. I tried to convince him that it wasn't me, rather it was a reflection of your character. 

I do believe it is! You have exemplified what it is to be a great student. How do I know? I have watched you...in my classroom of course- no I'm not a creeper! In my class I have observed students move across the room, without my prompting, to assist another student, encouraging him or her to get the work done and pass! This is phenomenal! I'm not sure you realize it but this is not common for a high school student to take such a role!

I have also seen some thoughtful and creative work turned in this year. State testing demands that students think at a higher level. It's tough. However, I believe that you will be the class that scores the highest so far. You have not shut down when you face the tough questions or challenges in my class, instead, you bravely charge forward and face them head on. It is awesome that you are not afraid to be wrong, and while we have room to be a little more respectful, for the most part your class does a great job at encouraging others to answer even if they are not sure. This is a LIFE skill y'all! That is why I get so excited! To move forward in life, you must have the courage to take a risk, speak up; you must also have the humility to admit and acknowledge when you are wrong, and finally you must use the strength to which you already have access and pick yourself up and press on!

If I'm confident in any Titan, it is you. You who are ready to celebrate each other, you who make wise decisions in class, you who portray great character, and you who make my day brighter. 

I am thankful to have a crew of students who also have a sense of humor. It has been said that "laughter is the best medicine". I believe it. I believe it has made all the difference to me this year. There is no reason we cannot make education interesting and fun, and most of my classes have found a good balance (a couple are still working on it ;)

The absolute greatest piece of thanks I have toward my students goes out to those who have CHANGED! 

It is not an easy thing to change who a person is, and it is even more difficult when that person is yourself! Changing for the better is something few people in the world expect from teenagers. 

I salute you who have sincerely worked at making yourself better. You've adjusted your actions and improved yourself. For some of you that means you started coming to school regularly, no more truancy. Thats HUGE! (And I'm proud of you). For some of you, that means a shift in attitude. I was very proud when a student in my class said, "You don't know how hard it is for me to not cuss you out right now!" Why was I proud? ...because the student DID NOT do it when it would have been easy to spit out a few words! Will I be proud of that in six months? No, because I expect continued improvement, but in that moment, I was very pleased. 

Some of you have been depressed or down for some time (and for legitimate reasons), but you are rising from the ashes, you are choosing life. I see glimpses of light in your eyes and I know you will be okay. You are strong. 

I am also extremely proud of those who have chosen to quit using. In my lifetime I've only been addicted to a few things along the lines of coffee and chocolate; I cannot imagine drugs, especially with the pressure that comes along with it.  Some of you have chosen to jump tracks- you're done, it's over. I admire you because you are choosing what is best for you, even though it may cost relationships, among other things. Man, that's tough. But look at yourself! If you can handle a decision like this and standing firm when people try to pressure you to cave, dang, you have access to the whole world! 

Those who are changing for the good are my heroes and heroines! Remember my video at the beginning of the year? We should BE the change want to see in the world. We don't wait on it, we BECOME it! You are doing that, and as you continue, I pray you will learn to "live life to the fullest, and make a difference along the way"!

There are so many reasons I am thankful for my Titans, too many to count, but I felt it was only proper that my first blog after nearly a year should be on what has impacted me the most, so this is my abbreviated list. 

So here's to you Titans, I raise my glass (of sparkling pear and apple juice) in honor of who you are and who you are becoming. I sincerely hope that who you are in the classroom is a reflection of who you are  becoming in life. 

May God bless you! Thank you for letting me have the privilege of being your English teacher this year!

TiTAN PRiDE!

-Ms. Hatfield

heavy heart meets the flag of surrender

My heart is heavy.

I'm not sure I have what it takes to keep moving forward.

When I finally love, I love deeply. Collectively, my students have won my heart. They are an incredible source of talent, encouragement, joy, HUMOR, and insight.

To be fair and realistic, they also can be, at times, a source of discouragement and negativity which brings about not only a miserable tone amongst themselves, but a deep sorrow in my heart.

And that is just part of the sorrow. Add in...

*sigh*

...add in the students who have had one or both parents die

...then the students who are having to support their families through their 'part-time'  income

...combine these with the burden of students who are homeless. When the people they're with say, "You have to leave", they have nowhere else to go.

...can't forget the students whose lives have already been shredded by gang involvement, directly or indirectly...and that's without the law involved yet.

...then there are those who have had run-ins with the law of which I cannot expound in the least bit, except to say that I want soooo much for my students. An absence from my class is one more day that I question... Is he or she is okay? Will I see him or her again? Will this student return and finish his or her education?


If I didn't care, I could brush all of this off. If I wasn't a person of faith, I could let it go.

But I do care and I am a person of faith. I follow Jesus or I try. He loved with His whole life. I want to, but it feels like its destroying my spirit and my heart. Heartbreak after heartbreak. When will the morning come? When will the sun shine on the struggle?

I wish our community would come together.

I wish adults would be unified for our youth.

I wish... I wish for more. I expect more. I will continue to work for more. I will fight for more. For my students. Until I can no longer fight.

And the first step in this fight, is to surrender the entire fight to Jesus...

but I don't know what to do next.

From my email update and "Utmost"

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The questions of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.  …It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God. God’s training is for now, not later. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.  (July 28)

…if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him… And that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you.” As Christians we are not put here for our own purpose at all—we are here for the purpose of God, and the two are not the same. The most important aspect of Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain [with Him] and the surrounding influence and qualities produced by that relationship. (August 4) (Emphasis mine)

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed absolute disaster. And Jesus Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death, leading every one of them to the place where their hearts were broken. His life was an absolute failure from every standpoint except God’s. …because God’s purpose is never the same as man’s purpose. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance—they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes. If we are in fellowship and oneness with God and we recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are. As we grow in the Christian life, it becomes simpler to us, because we are less inclined to say, “I wonder why God allowed this or that?” And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and the wisdom of God, not in his own abilities. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the calm, relaxed pace which should be characteristic of the children of God.” (August 5)

the Truth loves You

Jesus was saying to thsoe Jews who had believed HIm, "If you continue in my Word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.

...Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin.


"The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever.

"So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed."

In the above verses what does Jesus say is true about the one who commits sin? Do you see the truth of this verse manifested in society today? How?


Also according to the above verses, who is the only one who can set the slave "free indeed"?


If, as Jesus says in these verses "the truth will make you free," where is the truth to be found?


I encourage any reader, if you have the time (or will make the time), to read the verses and answer the questions. It is not long and doesn't take much depth in thought, however, it can still be insightful.

If you choose to answer them, then just pause here and answer before continuing to read...

I have a friend who often declares with great conviction that the greatest words one can ever speak to another person are "Jesus loves you." In Romaneste it is said, "Isus te iubeste", in Ewe it is, "Yesu lca wo."

The above verses and questions are taken from a Bible study entitled Having a Real Relationship with God (authored by Kay Arthur), through which I am currently working. When I answerd the last question in italics (above) "where is the truth to be found"...I thought, "It's to be found in Jesus, right?" So naturally, as I thought about the phrase "Jesus loves you", I replaced Jesus with "the Truth" as this is also who Jesus is. When I said aloud, "The Truth loves you", it almost seemed oxymoronic!

I mean, come on! Most of us hate the truth. We avoid it. We stick to our illusions and our pre-conceived notions along with our shallow daily interactions-not just with people but also with information, knowledge, work, eating habits, money and so on and so forth. For instance, if I really sat face-to-face with the truth of my eating habits at the beginnong of 2012, I would have definitely seen the truth of myself as a glutton. (Some reading this might still try to force me to stick to the illusion that I was not but that is just not the truth. I ate in excess. I ate beause I enjoyed it. I carried around 30 extra pounds as evidence. But I digress.)

So to say, "The Truth loves you" almost seems ridiculous. How about our slogan- "The truth hurts"? The truth as we know it is painful!

But maybe that's just it. We don't know the Real Truth. We don't know Jesus as the truth.

Let's go back to my 'glutton' example. The real truth is, although i enjoyed what I was eating, it was hazardous to my health and put extra, unnecessary, often painful stress on my body. It wasn't the truth that really hurt...it was the illusion that hurt; it was my choosing enjoyable yet poor eating habits.

On a much deeper level, the Real Truth, Jesus, doesn't hurt. He heals. The Truth sets people free, from addictions, from pain, from pride, from anger, from destruction. He brings peace and joy and unity and love and true humility; yet the journeys to this freedom encompassing these are not always easy.

Before I started this devotional this morning, the inquisition came, "Why would I want other people to know Jesus intimately?"

The only way I could answer this was to peer into my own life and see where God has given me an incredible relationship with my mother, whereas before we struggled to relate to each other. I saw where I was a slave to sin that unhurriedly sought to destroy me, and I experienced Jesus taking me from a devastating place of ruin and worthlessness to a place of healing and purpose. After seven years of choosing to folllow Him, I see how, even when I fall into temptation and make poor decisions for myself and my faith, HE, Jesus, the Truth, is the one who really loves me and who brings me back to a place that is best for myself and for others.

SO today I say to you reading this, "The Truth loves you. He unquestionably loves you."

Taking a break from all the plans that I have made...

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols


Jerk the pews & all the decorations, too 

Until the congregations few, then have revival

Tell your friends that this is where the party ends 

Until you're broken for your sins, you can't be social


Then seek the Lord and wait for what He has in store 

And know that great is your reward so just be hopeful


'Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong;
worship is more than a song


Take a break from all the plans that you have made 

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper

Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak
And pray for real upon your knees until they blister

Shine the light on every corner of your life
Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Then read the Word and put to test the things you've heard 

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken


'Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to
You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song


We must not worship something that's not even worth it

Clear the stage, make some space for the One who deserves it


Anything I put before my God, is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart, is an idol
Anything can't stop thinking of, is an idol
Anything that I give all my love, is an idol

'Cause I can sing all I want to

Yes, I can sing all I want to
I can sing all I want to
And still get it wrong

And you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; worship is more than a song
Worship is more than a song

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze
If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

Fighting to not be "Miss Jonah"

I'm back in the US. I got back a week ago today. It was a last minute decision to buy the ticket, but it was a long-time-coming-decision as I had been praying about what to do for a couple of months and in my gut, knew this would be the conclusion.

I don't know why I'm back. I'm told (by others) that I made a mistake or that I am making a mistake. Still others say that I am now where I should be.

In a sentence, what I "planned" to do in Ghana didn't pan out, but God still did amazing things in sports ministry and in the lives of believers in Ghana; sometimes I was a leader and sometimes I was an observer and other times I was a participant.

But even knowing and thinking of all of the incredible things God did as He worked out His own plan, something in me (selfishness, pride) makes me want to turn into a copy of Jonah.

The message of plans for work in Ghana are digitally recorded in church service, they're written out here in the blogs, and they've been shared verbally in many cities, towns and villages on three continents.

The hardest part about booking my plane ticket was the fact that things didn't work out the way I expected. That's pride to the max isn't it? 

I felt like God gave me all of these dreams and vision for Ghana and every. single. one. fell through. 

In that respect, I felt like Jonah on the boat. Because every program I was working with was ceasing, failing or going downhill, surely it was me. I was the only common thread in the different ministry efforts throughout the country. I began to pull back some and just go with what was before me rather than force anything.

Then sickness came by way of parasites. Forcing me to be still. All I could do was think, and sometimes not even that!

As the next ministry plans fell through, I knew for certain that I would be going home although I was (and still am) unsure why things must play out this way.

I didn't have to fight at first. I recognized my place, humbled as I purchased my plane ticket. But somewhere in the last few days, something has built up in me and I feel like I'm fighting to not be a female version of Jonah, mad at God because he was sent by Him on a task to declare something which would never play out because of God's great grace.

I left on a task, leaving my supporters and friends and especially family with expectations. And carrying those same expectations with me on my shoulders. And by God's grace, as it is interwoven into every detail by His nature, those expectations didn't play out, but rather He provided relevant and applicable events and lessons that would speak better into the lives of those with whom we worked.

So why is it that my insides still feel like they are fighting? God's way was better for the people.

An online commentary on Jonah describes how I feel inside...(the weak and miserable part, not the want to die part.)

"Verse 8 Next day, when the sun grew hot, God also provided a hot east wind to blow upon Jonah’s head. Jonah felt so weak and miserable, he wanted to die. Jonah’s words were like Elijah’s words in the desert. Elijah, too, had run away. But he really wanted to do God’s work, and thought he had failed (see 1 Kings 19:4)."

Although I feel like I was forced to leave Ghana, in some ways, I feel like I've run away from the ministry or from the faith. 

The last sentence- "But he really wanted to do God’s work, and thought he had failed (see 1 Kings 19:4)."    - I feel like also speaks about how I feel. The verse referenced in 1 Kings is "while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”"

I have had enough Lord. Take my life. Do what you want. Anywhere. Africa. U.S. Sports. Teaching. Only, help me to see you and not me.

Edinam and our Emotional Conversation

Edinam. If you’ve kept up with the posts here, then you’ve already “met” her. If not, feel free to check out the post "Meet Edinam". =)

Last night Edinam and I had a very emotional conversation. It started by a translation mistake.

We were talking about school and I asked Edinam, 

“Are you nice to people at school or not nice?”

She said she was not nice.

I pressed for her to tell me what that means but she just buried her face into the bed. She wouldn’t look at me and she wouldn’t say a word. I tried to rephrase the sentence several times before I forced her to sit up and speak to me.

We had just finished talking about Jesus’ miracle in John 4 about how He healed the officials son by merely saying, “You may go. Your son will live.” We discussed why Jesus healed the son and how Jesus loves people so much and wants to know all of us.

The aforementioned conversation came about because I began talking about school as a way to discuss how Edinam could practically show Jesus’ love to others. I was shocked when she told me that she wasn’t nice to people. Edinam is the sweetest kid I know here in Ghana. I have never seen her be mean to anyone, not even an animal.

But here is the conversation as it is translated into the meaning that Edinam understood:

“Are you beautiful to people at school or not beautiful?” In other words she heard, “Do the children at school say you are beautiful or ugly?”

She answered ugly.

Edinam has eyes that are crossed. When one looks straight the other is turned inside. Its nearly impossible to overlook, unless one has known her for years and becomes accustomed to it.

Edinam hates pictures. She doesn’t even like to look at someone straight into the face in conversation. I think if she would walk around with a shroud at all times she would. She suffers, mostly inside.

When I came to understand that our definitions of nice were different, I went ahead and continued the conversation about her eyes. I asked what people said. She said it’s mostly boys who make fun of her. She cried. I held her and cried with her. And then I realized, Jesus didn’t even see the son’s official when He healed him. He didn’t touch him. He didn’t do anything but state that he would live.

I wanted to share this with Edinam. But Edinam isn’t the first little girl that I’ve wept with here in Ghana over her pain.

At least three years ago, Agnes and I left a church that was charging people around $10 to be “healed” in Jesus name. Halfway home we stopped and sat on the ground and wept. Neither of us understood why God had her in that state and why she had to struggle so much. We prayed. She still struggles.

God has answered our prayer for Agnes that night. He just didn’t answer in the way that my heart longed for Him to answer.

I didn’t know if Edinam could handle us praying for healing and God answering the same way He did with Agnes I didn't know if I could handle it. But I felt that God had given us that miracle story for that moment. So I told her that there was nothing we could do. We are in Africa! But God can do anything. Just as Jesus did with the boy, He can simply speak from where He is seated at the right hand of the Father, and command her to be healed. He can provide a doctor here in Ghana or elsewhere. He could also decide to only heal her on the inside.

And so right now my prayer for her is two-fold:

1.     1. That God would miraculously heal her, giving her a life-long testimony and causing her to forever be committed to the One True God!

2.     2. That God would show her who she is in Him, allowing her to smile big and look straight at the camera as her confidence is in Him. I pray that she will be able to look people in the eye in conversation, even if she can only do so with one eye.

3.     3. Actually its three-fold…she is struggling to see up close. They don’t read much in school but when exam time comes, she struggles to see the paper. When I put some reading glasses on her to see if they would help, she said she couldn’t even see out of one eye. Please pray that her sight will not decrease as we seek God’s face on what He will do with her.

4.   4.   Let’s make it four-fold…I would like to ask that all who read this would pray for our hearts to be ready to receive whatever it is God has in store for Edinam. The prosperity gospel invades everything and I want Edinam to understand that God is not a genie-in-a-bottle, but a Sovereign ruler who really knows what’s best for His children, even when it doesn't make sense to us!

My heart is heavy for this special little girl!

Back in Perspective

I have had a difficult time writing these days, and although I’ve not done a good job of staying up-to-date with the goings on here, I want to share a lesson I learned from today (which is now yesterday).

Today I was more lonely than ever. Today I wanted to go home. Today I wanted to quit on those working around me. Today I wanted to give up on God. Today I had the chance to talk to Daddy and I just wanted to ask how he was feeling and ask for tips on riding our motorcycle, but before I knew it, I had turned our precious time into a vent session.

A little later in the day I called to talk to the lovely woman who disciples me. I shared some encouraging news with her, then some of my discouragement and she prayed. After she prayed for me and we hung up, I continued my Bible study and although it was totally unrelated, a thought hit me…

“How dare I mope around the house, wasting time, wasting the beautiful rainy day, because things aren’t going as I expect! What am I saying about God as I remain in this state?!”

It was more like God’s question to me. The answer, “I guess when I’m like this, I’m saying God isn’t big enough. He doesn’t see the big questions looming over me. He can’t handle the needs of this ministry. He can’t manage the calling He’s placed on my life and letting me know what I’m to do next.”

It was a realization that snapped me out of my mopey mood and put things in perspective. I was disappointed in myself at time wasted, especially the time to talk with my dad.

I am grateful for the chance to come before a holy God and be sorry and know that based on His promise, He will surely forgive me and make me clean. I’m grateful that He doesn’t destroy us when He shows us our errors but gently leads us in the way that is right, before Him.

No one loves me like that. No one is as gentle. And when, by my actions, I say all those things mentioned above, He still loves, He still provides, and He still leads.

What a mighty, compassionate, patient God we serve.