He said I don't give a sh*t

Today I stood in front of a male who harassed me with questions and I let him hurt me.
He said I was lazy and implied I was fat. He told me I wasn't doing a good job and accused me of not giving a shit about the kids or the game.

The others don't bother me because I know he was just mad because his team was losing. The last one hit deep. I won't ever have my own kids. (Insert thoughtless but good-intentioned comments here "you don't know what God has for you; you might change your mind; blah blah blah) Point is, I won't have my own. I am in love with my nieces and nephews and they are my world. Don't tell my students at school but I care immensely for them too. Every athlete that has come through a program that I'm a part of.

If there's one thing I do- I care for people. Sometimes too much. That's part of why it was hard to let go of the scammer who scammed me. That's why it was hard to hear a coworker accuse me of trying to hurt athletes grade-wise (in the past).

I kept reminding myself I CHOSE to referee because of coaches like this- the ones who harass and insult me instead of coaching their kids. I chose to do this because I was too thin-skinned when certain parents (you know the type) got pushy because their kid didn't get what they wanted on the court.

And it has helped. I am constantly learning and grow stronger every time I ref. Today I grew in knowledge. I started to pay attention to the coaches on the sideline. So many of them begin the game acting like someone is out to get stuck it to them, namely the referees. It was hard to watch and I wonder the psychology of it all. But then I got to thinking about life. And given our experiences, many of us are immediately defensive and waiting to be hurt or taken advantage of. And it's so sad to me because this seems like it keeps us from intimate relationships we could have.

Still trying to shake that coaches words from my head, I was reminded the differences in the stereotypical male and female. Guys tend to keep things external, but a girl tends to internalize and feel a loss of self-worth for some reason.

So in the middle of this game I'm trying to combat his words. 1) I may not be skinny, but I'm not overly overweight and I AM doing my job and staying with play. 2) I certainly am not lazy or I wouldn't have put in TWELVE hours of reffing today. 3) I do give a shit. Even more than that. I give it all when I'm out there. I do struggle being  mentally tired at the end of the day but I still leave it all out there and act as if every game is a FIFA match.

I chose to do this and get out of my comfort zone, but that doesn't mean it doesn't really hurt sometimes. Many people think that I am tough and thick-skinned but I'm really not all that tough.

Doing new things is hard but to me the lessons are worth it. Okay, rant over.

I've got your back; do you have mine?

What really matters?

See if you can determine the race of each woman in the following conversation:

(The conversation was two hours long; these are snippets of summary.) 

Which woman is black and which woman is white? 

You may have already known from the beginning but if not I'll hope you will stop and just take a guess before continuing to read. 

The cool part of this conversation between a friend and myself, which I didn't realize until an hour or so afterward, was that on which we were each focused. 

See my friend and I are not the same race but we are so very much the same. Except I'm definitely stronger than her and she's way cuter than me...just because of her glasses of course. But we both have big hearts, strong minds about us, deep convictions, a touch (okay a LOT) of sassiness, and the desire for ourselves and this world to be better. 

Our conversation reflected our many similarities but also highlighted our differences in experiencing life through the shade of our skin tone. 

The blue messages were my friend (left) and the gray messages were mine. 

What came out of our conversation blew me away. 

Interestingly enough, my heart was so heavy, that I could not just let it go that for ages so many African Americans had been done so wrong. I'm not trying to fix the past. It's done. However, I am angry with past pain made new again through present pain made light of and disregarded. "How dare we, as a nation?!" are my thoughts. "How dare we tromp on hurting hearts, hearts that WANT to move forward but have little upon which to look back and 'hope forward'?"

My friend, on the other hand, is ready for America to move past history and just be better. She doesn't want race to be the continual focus. And I see her perspective and respect it. I can agree with her. 

She also heard me as I spoke about history and agreed to the relevance. 

The point here is not "who is right"; it is the fact that we have each others' back. I want her to be okay because I love her and she's my friend. I want her to have every opportunity I have and to have it WITHOUT FEAR.  

She's not easily offended, I very well might have said some things the wrong way or slathered my speech with politically incorrect verbiage, but she knows my heart. And I know hers. She's not trying to get at anyone or seek retribution for past incidents personally or universally. She simply wants better and she wants ALL of us to be better. 

-----

Talking with her reminded me of an illustration that has changed my life:

I was given this illustration years ago that looked like so...

...with one exception- we were actual people and after standing in the circle, everyone took a giant step in, making it nearly impossible for anyone to get out! 

So here's the deal. This picture here...the one with the people holding each other's shoulders...that's one of our answers people. That's it. 

We have each others' back. I have my friend's and she has mine. And if I'm taking care of her, maybe people won't be hating on her for RIGHTFULLY speaking up against injustice. If she points out that all people's lives matter too, then both peoples are being addressed and I don't have to look like a neo nazi for mourning losses around me. Notice, we aren't protecting each others' skin color and nothing in the previous sentence was centered on race; we are looking after each other, protecting each others' hearts and looking after each others' loved ones. Period.

Look at it again...

Let's say you are the blue one at 6 o'clock (south). 

If you were looking straight ahead, from peripheral left to center to peripheral right, how many of those people in the circle might you be able to see? 

(MY guess would be all but my direct left and right.)

Okay, now you're still the blue one, but you turn around and are watching behind you to see that nothing is happening, and that your own back is covered; how many people might you be able to see from peripheral left to center to peripheral right AFTER turning 180* and facing the rear (with your back to the circle)?

MY guess would be one or two, if that. 

Why try to watch my own back when I can have multiple brothers and sisters looking after me? Thirteen people in this picture; that's 26 eyes watching my back for me as opposed to my two. 

 And I can look out for thirteen others rather than "numero uno".

People- friends, foes and loved ones alike- it is time to face forward, join shoulder to shoulder, take a giant step in, and watch each others' backs instead of only being concerned with our own OR with being right. 

Face forward

- let's move forward today, right now. 

Join shoulder to shoulder

-you might not like my flaws or other idiosyncrasies, but thank you for accepting me anyway. We can be our own person and still agree that every human life is sacred and that we care about each other. 

Take a giant step in

- at some point this WILL get harder if we are trying to do it together. If we are trying to change the world, inevitably we will stare opposition in the face. If we step in and let no one out, we do it in love. You tired? No problem. Relax. Because we are so tightly knit that you don't have to hold yourself up anymore. We got you. No one gets out. Rest. And then join us in strength again. ALSO, if we are tight knit, no haters get in. 

Watch each others' back 

-can you imagine the beauty of seeing one race taking care of another? A love running so deep for people that you would fight their battles for them? Can you imagine what that love feels like? To listen to someone support you and look after you when they could more easily berate you OR just keep after their own? Ultimate sacrifice is for one person to lay down their life for another, right? Wouldn't it count just the same for me to lay down my politics, my agenda, my biases and generational prejudices and my comfort for the good of another? 

I know. I may not be in as big a circle as I like, but as I thought about it today, my circle runs pretty wide, and it is definitely not just black and white. I've had the privilege to be amidst many different cultures and peoples both Stateside and abroad, and in EVERY SINGLE PEOPLE GROUP is an unmatched beauty. To look at one against another is to try to compare the beauty of a rose and a tulip. They aren't the same in their beauty, yet both cause people to stop and enjoy. 

A word of caution and grace: 

We can't hate because others don't "get it" yet. We can just continue to be a difference maker in our proximity, touching those within range. And when the time is right, they too will get it. 

(Shout out to Love What Matters for continually posting the good stuff!) 

Communication is key. And I, for one, am listening with an open and aching heart. 

Lean in y'all. Let's do this. 

A Prayer for Wisdom

Wisdom. I need it. 

You tell us in Your word “if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given him.” I lack it. Father, please grant it to me in the upcoming conversations. I am nothing but a menacing obstacle without You and Your wisdom. Please grant the wisdom that You have said You would give generously that I may point to Your Grace in the most perfect way.

You said when we ask, “believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord.” Please grant me strength to have the faith I need to receive the wisdom You will give.

It is so tempting to me to be the little ‘s’ savior- to be the one riding in on the white horse to save mankind- but this is not that to which You’ve called me, not in the least. My desire is to serve You and to share Your Word with others. Before me I see the choice to get in the way or to be an instrument for use. I prefer the latter. But I need wisdom, in Jesus' name, I need Your wisdom.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

I trust You. Thank you.

A mentor, a friend, a new friend, a Japanese brother and a biological brother walk into a person's heart…

A mentor, a friend, a new friend, a Japanese brother and a biological brother walk into a person's heart…

As was hoped for, the school year has been a phenomenal mess! I have enjoyed it and relished special, life-altering moments/lessons with "my kids" (students).

Because of this crazy, chaotic life, I. Am. Spent. Exhausted. Wiped out. Used up.

My first stop along the road to a fulfilling spring break would take me to my mentor (-whom I'll not name because I've not asked.) I was nervous about meeting with her because it had been some time, but for spiritual survival, I knew I needed to meet with her.

She, of course, met me with open arms. It was as if tears of joy coated my insides and melted all reservations that would have kept me from stopping by! Do you know what it is like to have someone love you in the name of Jesus?!? To care and look out for you? Unexplainable joy! We talked, she encouraged, she prayed and she prayed some more. El Roi unveiled my eyes, allowing me to see that which had been hidden. She has not just entered my life but my heart as she continues to give of herself and her time, year after year after year. God is good.

Rach is a dear friend who also represents a larger group of friends. We actually saw each other last week but now, seven hours north of our last meeting, decided it was important to meet again. A few years back, we struggled through life together for eight weeks. (Eight interesting weeks!) And there is something about just sitting down with people who know you well and can relate to the desire to serve the same One as you. We missed our compadres, but enjoyed our time together and plan to meet up more often in months coming. Something simple yet important. Rach's life and commitment has impacted my own life and commitment. She is a sister on a level beyond what blood can bear. I appreciate her and other sisters in Jesus (who are further away).

My new friend is an adventurous friend who would jump in ice cold water, sew dresses, paint a canvas and talk Jesus with me. I'm big on time, and she shared hers with me. She cannot know what sort of renewal that time brought to my spirit and heart.

Neither can the Japanese man who played the guitar, showcasing his talent for Jesus. Talk about an impression- I witnessed this on Tuesday; now it is Thursday evening and I still smile when I think of being able to worship with him!

The last great person to walk into my heart so far this week is my "little" brother Robert. He'll be down to visit in a couple of days, but I got one-on-one time with him in Dallas. He shared his space, time, energy, food and love with me. We talked about Jesus, nephews, culture, nephews, family, nephews, and work. God is doing incredible things in this guy and I cannot get over it. He is not the same person he was a year ago. My heart was overjoyed as he shared with me. I am on the verge of envious when it comes to the people he gets to know and serve, but I am so happy for him (and that I get to visit!)

I thought at the end of this break I would be worn out from traveling twelve and a half hours of highway miles through four different cities, but I am more full of Life than I have been since August!

To the dear ones in my life that I have seen this week and to those that I haven't…I love you! God bless you and may we see each other again soon!

(PS If you are interested in purchasing a painting similar to the one above, let me know. The artist may be able to create and sell in order to raise funds for a mission trip.)